The Peace Whisperer
Helping people find
calm in the chaos
and
serenity in the storm
As an overachieving, first born, I trapped myself in perfectionism
and people pleasing.
I am also an Enneagram One. (If you are unfamiliar with this I recommend “The Road Back to You” by Ian Morgan Cron) Without the Holy Spirt, if I gave into my old nature tendencies, I’d be endlessly looping a cycle of trying to improve everything I touch, all the time everywhere. Exhausting. That’s an imbalanced Enneagram One. However, I’ve met pastor’s wives who are generally more laid back in their personalities, yet very perfection minded when it comes to ministry. Honestly, I think almost any personality type can veer into perfectionism given the right set of stressors.
Pastor’s wives don’t just struggle with idealistic demands we place on ourselves. We can also drain ourselves trying to fulfill church members’ unrealistic expectations. Speaking as a recovering perfectionist, this is a grueling way to live. Not only can it wear you out, but it presumes upon the grace of your family and close friends. I used to be a draining person to be around. So many plates up in the air. So many self-created hoops to jump through.
And please, sister, don’t excuse idealistic standards because, “well, but it’s ministry and souls are at stake.” Souls are always in jeopardy, but your perfected ministry is not what will save them. Even Jesus, the only perfect human to ever live, did not chain himself to the expectations of others or even himself. He only did what God the Father asked him to do. No more.
So how do we bring our busy ministry lives back in balance and break the habit of perfectionism?
Recognize it comes with chains because it’s a stronghold.
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man?” Galatians 1:10 Any time we strive to please people instead of working alongside God, and letting him sort out people’s responses, we are bound.
You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the spiritual powers of this world. So why do you keep on following the rules of the world, such as, 21 “Don’t handle! Don’t taste! Don’t touch!”? 22 Such rules are mere human teachings about things that deteriorate as we use them. 23 These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, pious self-denial, and severe bodily discipline. But they provide no help in conquering a person’s evil desires,” Colossians 2:20-23 NLT.
When we live by self-imposed rules that don’t flow from our Heavenly Father, we are bound. When good or great is never good enough, we are bound.
Accept the fact that ministry is messy and imperfect.
“One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could lay his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him.
But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them!” Matthew 19:13-14 NLT.
Think about the chaotic crowds that followed Jesus around. Think of the noise and the dust and the smells of many unwashed bodies. Think of all the people who simply followed him giving no thought to food.
I think the disciples sometimes thought they were trying to bring order out of chaos around Jesus, but their efforts were sometimes not well received by him. The knowledge that ministry is messy may be firmly in your head but hasn’t made the trip down to your heart and emotions. If you feel churned up and easily frustrated when something you’re involved with doesn’t go exactly as you want, you are bound. God’s desire for excellence from us is not the same as a perfect performance. He wants us to celebrate people in process as much as results.
Accept the truth that people will be unhappy with you at times.
When you don’t meet some people’s expectations, funny things can happen. If they are power brokers in your church and no one has stood up to them before, they might get ugly. Oh well. Keep those gospel of peace shoes on your feet tightly. EVERYONE has a different idea in your church as to what your role as pastor’s wife is. Honestly, only God and your husband should influence you on that topic.
Yes, it can be hurtful and unpleasant when people treat you poorly because you’ve not met their expectations. Jesus met none of the expectations of the religious leaders of his day. This is the way of the cross for any Christ follower. We listen to God and we do what he tells us. Period. “The Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing.” John 5:19
Ask God to set you free from this bondage and help you recognize when it tries to enslave you again.
“So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36 Ask your husband and family to lovingly point out the times they see perfectionism in you. Being free takes work to accomplish and work to maintain because we are retraining our brains to walk in new paths. But you CAN do ALL things in Christ. Don’t beat yourself up when it seems like one step forward and two back. Changing thinking and habits is a process.
You can turn your marriage and your family upside down if you are enslaved to perfectionism and people pleasing, as a pastor’s wife where you could chain yourself to the expectations of hundreds or thousands of people. Allow Christ to set you free and strengthen you to live free.